The Blame Game.

When the lines of communication between Liam and myself waned dramatically, in about May 2013 I was uncertain whether this had been due to my previous outburst ( the sickening comments he made about my friend ) or if it had all just run its course …

However, it was to continue, despite my reservations to cut all ties … I believed, naively, that if only I could stop saying and doing things that irritated him so, things would return to how it was in the beginning … a perfectly idyllic time when supposedly he couldn’t get enough of me and actually thanked me for existing … But I always seemed to put my foot in it …  “Its your fault,” he would say, ” You only have yourself to blame.” And then he would give me the silent treatment … hoping I would make the first move, but I never did …

I will admit, after excessive emotional blackmail, I agreed to send him a topless selfie …  “If you really love me you will do it.” But I couldn’t. I didn’t, and I heard nothing from him for four days … He told me he liked his women “bald”, as it reminded him of the nuns and nurses who supposedly seduced him as a child … He sent me a link of which “Veet” to buy and instructed me to send a before and after shot to him and I told him in no uncertain terms it would not be happening … He told me we would play a game … he was Daddy, I was to call him Daddy … I was wearing a school uniform and white socks … I wanted to vomit … and logged out … it was a few days before he contacted me again …

Having long since lost the respect for me he once feigned, nothing, it seemed was taboo … so it was mostly me leaving the conversations, and him sending me derogatory emails which I did not reply to. Still I was hesitant to close the door … I actually believed it was something in me that encouraged him to behave this way … but eventually I accepted it was a complete sham and it had to end …

It all rather fell apart after that, and we spoke very little. It was in June 2013 that he messaged me, saying a woman was stalking him, and that she was trying to “destroy” him … and I knew immediately I had not been his exclusive friend …

I’m not shocked that Liam is back on Twitter,or even that his website is back, he shows no remorse for his behaviour and positively dismisses the women HE abused as crazy. Would a sane person not question why such allegations are being made? The thing is everything can be proven … the links to porn sites … the MSN conversations … the naked images of himself and of course the emails … I have every single one …

 

 

 

 

The Kindness Of Strangers.

For what seemed like an eternity, after Liam finally departed from my life, I felt nothing other than complete numbnesss … Having being controlled for so long I could barely think for myself much less make decisions, so I was at a loss as to just what to do … I was alone exhausted and emotionally drained … an absolute mess …

Had Liam breezed into my life like Sir Galahad, claiming to be the man I had waited my whole life for, I would, of course, have dismissed it without a second thought … Had he said ” I’m going to shower you with love and tenderness … serenade you with poetry and love songs … be your confidante and soulmate … your very own knight in shining armour … And then, when I have you eating out of my hand … adoring me … depending on me emotionally … my mask will slip … I will revert to being my true self … cruel cold and heartless … and you will blame yourself … believing in some way it was something you said … did … You will lose all self respect and stop at nothing in a futile attempt to recapture the euphoria of how it was in the beginning … the magic … the romance … the exitement ….    He may as well have done …

But he didn’t … he was charming attentive and mildly flirtatious … he drew me to him like a magnet and I held on to his every word … Strangely at the time he made me feel immensely valued, bearing in mind my husband’s indifference both physically and mentally and it felt wonderful to be made a fuss of. But of course I was being devalued more and more each day … and naive fool that I was, I believed him when he said he was helping me …

Recalling the way he regressed me to a time in my life that still, occasionally gives me nightmares … Promising to banish such thoughts and dreams from my unconscious mind forever was possibly the most sickening thing he ever did … something that still causes me to shudder. He wanted me to be that little girl again … and admitted to being highly aroused at the thought …

And so it was that I had to detach from him completely. First to go was the mobile … being clueless as to how I could block him I simply removed the SIM card and cut it up, the handset also had to go. The emails, which I knew would jump from castigating me for some trivial misdemeanour to declarations of love and packed with emotional blackmail were still there … they remained unread and unanswered when I deleted the account and set up another …

The first few days I remember so very little of … I drank excessively … had no appetite and found it very difficult to sleep … Despite knowing the person I loved so deeply, in reality, had never existed, it was as though I was in mourning … but how could that be? He was so despicable … so vile and with the same mindset as the person who abused me as a child … But like a divine intervention it dawned on me … it was never him … but merely the power of his words …

The mourning period lasted just over a week … I had to find out more … The paranoid self-pitying emails Liam had sent me just before he deleted his Twitter account made so much sense now … Knowing I was never exclusive was so very hurtful … but discovering the extent of his deceitfulness was truly shocking …

And so it was that I started my blog. I wanted in some way to warn vulnerable women that “Greeks bearing gifts” are rarely what they seem … and because a person presents themself as respectable this should not be taken at face value …

I have to say I have been so touched by the kindness of strangers … Speaking with others affected by Liam has helped me tremendously and left me in no doubt … it was NEVER my fault.

My very modest friend will take no credit for the woman I have become, but without his support and encouragement I know I could never have come this far …

My husband, always one for keeping up appearances, returned, and true to his word has made no mention of the compromising position he found me in with Liam.

Liam however, continues to show no remorse … On his Twitter account bio  (he has three followers) he bleats “making the best of what I’ve got”. What a shame he had to devastate so many lives before arriving at that conclusion …

Gobshite.

( How thoughtful of Liam to teach me how to create folders for his emails … )

You hardly even commented on my email.  Did you even bother to check out the two songs I suggest.
You said nothing about anything else.  That hardly lends itself to communication.  Does it or am I missing something?
  I keep saying you’re a mature woman with all the want, needs and desires that go with that.  I could send you links to other things that would cause you to relive other things but I’d be afraid of upsetting you.  I’ve always believed that we become repressed usually because of a partner/husband/wife who make us feel less than adequate or even useless.
We don’t have anything between us, I’ve told you that before.   Sometimes the Broadband is slow, then it picks up and you get a rush of messages going through. Such is the way of the computer and of technology. She accuses me of everything and anything you care to imagine.  She even stoops so low as to accuse me of ‘knowing that any woman would drop her knickers for you’ It just shows how she thinks of herself.  I’ve managed to shut down from her derogatory remarks and have kept a diary of every man she f*****, every hotel she f***** him in and even emails and text that some of those men sent to my phone by mistake asking if the could come and stay with her for the night or two. None of this matters a damn to me so don’t feel sorry for me and don’t even consider offering some sort of explanation.

Coerced.

Despite my reservations, and many failed attempts at resisting “Liam’s” charms, it was I believe, his consistancy that finally won me over.

He did his homework well, establishing very soon into our “relationship” I was lonely and that my husband and I were no longer close … He made a point of contacting me at least twice a day, sometimes more, and of course it made me feel very special. It was such attention to detail, that made me overlook, instances which only now, I recognise clearly as red flags.

It never occured to me to question just why he encouraged me to talk so … At the time I believe, I felt quite privileged. Giving me carte blanche to speak of things frowned on by many ( my nearest and dearest included ) was all so very liberating, having held it inside for so long. I was so very grateful.

But this man, who’s own childhood had been blighted by brutality and abuse was nothing other than a wolf in sheeps clothing … Relying heavily on his seemingly whiter than white reputation ( as an author campaigner and survivor of child abuse ) he became a Svengali of sorts, manipulating and brainwashing vulnerable women into trusting him. When the trust was obtained he was to progress to sending explicit images of himself ( which were cringeworthy to say the least ) and demanding the same in return.

Talking as we did, so frequently, I never for a moment, had reason to think there were other women as gullible as myself, who were also being lied to and deceived for no reason other than for him to obtain players for his sick and twisted fantasies. I feel I was coerced, against my will, to not only say, but also feel, things I knew deep down were wrong … but such was the power of Liam’s persuasion …

My husband, who unbeknown to me had been reading the emails between myself and Liam ( at the time I had no knowledge of passwords and the like ), told me he felt Liam was decidedly shifty and probably a deviant looking for online sex … I was actually outraged on Liam’s behalf and wasted no time in emailing him to tell him of the conversation. Strangely he was not in the least bit indignant but promptly demanded I add passwords for my email and social media accounts. He should have known I would no idea just how to … After much impatience and prompting the desired result was achieved, but not without some disparaging remarks about my lack of knowledge … He then talked me through deleting ” recent history”. I really had no idea what I was doing but it seemed to keep the peace …

It goes without saying of course, that had I, or indeed any, of the women affected by Liam, knew, at the time the extent of his lies and deception we would have felt deeply hurt and betrayed. But that, I feel, would be nothing compared to the distress and embarrassment he caused his wife, not only by exposing his scrawny unappealing body to numerous women, but for blaming her for driving him to it …

Predator ( A person who ruthlessly exploits others )

Looking back I can almost pinpoint the moment I became aware it was Liam’s intention to break me … He criticised me continuously and had an opinion on every aspect of my life.  I felt slightly awkward as the disparaging remarks about my husband came thick and fast and momentarily I felt the need to defend him … In hindsight of course I see it was a deliberate ploy to distance me further from my husband and draw me closer to him …

My dependancy on Liam grew more and more each day until out of nowhere my OCD returned and I’d make deals with myself … extensively overthinking to ensure the thing I dreaded most would not occur … persistently washing and scrubbing my hands … repeating things over and over in my head … and a deep depression, a feeling of hopelessness and inability to motivate … but still I convinced myself only Liam could make it better, even though it was Liam that was causing it …

It was just before the first images arrived that Liam gave me a lesson in creating folders … Of course he was only watching his own back but at the time he described it as something exclusive to us … something we could both enjoy …

I probably have all the conversations we shared in these folders. This is one very early on in our “relationship” …

Liam:  It would be wonderful to have the privacy and dare I say the intimacy of being able to chat on Skype or Yahoo. I’d love to find a way of us being able to share with eachother. Have you an idea even as to where I’m coming from or how I feel about being this close to you?

Jo: Perhaps you could elaborate slightly?

Liam: I suppose the real question is are you comfortable with it?

Jo: Comfortable with what? I’m not on Skype or Yahoo. How does it work?

Liam: The Yahoo one is just a chat site. Perhaps easier to keep private if you want that.

Jo: Private in what way?

Liam: Theen there is MSN Messenger which probably comes with your computer. You’re probably in the same boat as me in that finding space and time isn’t the easiest thing in the world.

Jo: Would that involve us seeing and hearing eachother or just typing?

Liam: Jo, please don’t think I just want to use Skype or Yahoo so I can see you. I don’t care what you look like. You’re just someone who has impacted on my life in the most beautiful way.

Jo: Forgive the delay … just had to catch my breath there for a moment … You must understand, I’m at a loss as to how to receive compliments … its been such a very long time … You have such a powerful way with words … I’m almost unsure how to answer …

Liam: Remember this Jo, I only say what I mean and I mean what I say. I’m thrilled you found my words powerful. I don’t know how you did it and I don’t care but you have decorated my life. I hope that doesn’t sound stupid.

Jo: Of course not. I’m very flattered.

Liam: You’re beautiful. Am I treading in an area I shouldn’t tread?

Jo: You are very sweet.

Liam: Jo, you didn’t answer the last bit of the question. Maybe you shouldn’t.

Jo: xx

Liam: xxxx

Liam: Jo, you still didn’t answer. I miss you already.

Jo: I’m still here.

Liam: Can you stay with me for a while?

Jo: Of course, it will be my pleasure.

Between the lines.

( I will admit I was somewhat impressionable, but I never deserved this. Why awaken feelings that had long been extinguished merely for his entertainment? Why include false promises and declarations of true love with no intention of following through? This man, whose book had me collapsing in tears, was telling me he was trusting me with his life … and he even thanked me for existing … of course I felt indispensable … I was floating on air … this is one of the first emails I received from him … )

Dear Jo,

You were my very first thought this morning and a very pleasant one it was too … not that you’d want to hear it … it might well blow your socks off or worse still cause you to never speak to me again … thats the last thing in the world I’d want.

Jo there’s no reason why we can’t share the various aspects of our lives. I repeat something I said when we began “talking” … what you say to me and what I say to you remains with us, and us alone. I always look forward to “talking” to you and get frustrated when I don’t find you immediately. Whatever else happens in this world nobody can deny me my feelings even if they don’t like them. Its nice to hear I’m able to make you laugh and it makes me smile wondering if I’m making progress! Do English ladies wear knickers or panties … no harm in asking, the worst that can happen is that I’ll get a belt ofa wet fish from you …

I’d love to be able to talk to you but often there just isn’t enough space here, I’m sure its the same in your house. I’m more than happy to listen to you and share the shit that hits the fan every now and again. But above all I want us to grow close together, to be able to share, to be able to trust and to learn that feelings can transcend distance even through cyberspace …

The basis of a good friendship is in my view, the ability to share … share everything. I get the feeling you’re nervous about being drawn into something or somewhere that you are not comfortable … am I right? Well fear not! Bear in mind Jo we do share a bond. How it happened is irrelevant and doesn’t require analysis …

Do you realise our emails to eachother are getting much longer? Its been a beautiful journey and one I want to take many many times, be it through email skype MSN or through the brevity of Twitter.

I will be around at the computer from about one o’clock or so. Don’t be shy about writing if you feel like it in the meantime.

Love and precious thoughts to you Jo

Liam xxxxxx

Game over.

In retrospect I suppose, the signs were abundantly clear … the intense overfriendliness, which was slightly alarming considering the relatively short time we had been talking, the seemingly genuine concern for my well-being and of course the flattery … the excessive praise he drop fed me throughout the day by DM text and email … But because I never doubted him for a moment I overlooked each and every one … I actually embraced the time he made for me, masquerading as my new best friend … In no time at all I told him more of my past than I had ever told anyone … and how he used it to his advantage … instigating role play and using my niavety as a stick to beat me with … He wanted to know if I considered myself to be happily married and admittedly I told him I felt it was rather stale, and that my husband didn’t understand me … but it was never meant in any way as a come-on … From there it seemed he did everything in his power to alienate me from my husband until one day he commanded me to have no further intimate contact with him even going as far as to suggest we slept in separate rooms … He wanted to know what I was wearing as we were talking and then went on to ask what I wore in bed … and whether I slept naked. He asked about my sexual experiences and if I had done particular things … I immediately told him such conversations made me feel very uncomfortable and he apologised profusely promising not to speak of it again … but he lied … and I was constantly forced to reiterate I wanted no part of it … There were many many times I concluded I could stand it no more and vowed to delete him … cut all ties … But I had not acknowledged that actually, not only was I addicted to Liam, but also, shockingly, I felt that by continuing to allow him to talk to me in that way I was somehow condoning it, but I felt almost frozen … hypnotised even … Recognising I was no longer enjoying something which was once so pleasurable, I told him he was withholding from me the side of him that drew me to him in the first place, and replacing it with something smutty distasteful and crude … He denied it of course, and there were several half-hearted attempts to get me back “onside” … but the writing was on the wall … Handing him back the silent treatment ( his interpretation) was not something I embarked on with an intention to cause him any distress. I was feeling fragile, I needed to heal. For my own sanity I needed to disconnect with Liam … I had released him from his dark place and he had buried me in mine … But of course he took exception to my absence, bombarding me with emails texts and phone calls, none of which I responded to. I believe it was early June 2013 when the emails dwindled to perhaps one every three or four days … Not wanting to resume contact, but also anxious not to be accused of ignoring, my replies were very brief and my hope was that finally, it had run its course … One of the last emails I received from Liam informed me that a woman was out to destroy him … I think even then he knew the game was up …